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Would You Hire Your REALTOR If They Weren’t Your Friend or Relative?
Choosing someone to help you buy or sell a home can bring up a surprisingly awkward question: are you hiring the best person for the job, or the person closest to you?
Friends and relatives can make excellent real estate agents. Some are skilled, responsive, honest, and deeply invested in doing right by the people they care about. Others may be kind, familiar, and well meaning, but not the right fit for your price point, neighborhood, timeline, or communication style.
That distinction matters because a real estate decision is not casual. It can affect your savings, your stress level, your negotiating power, and the way you remember one of the biggest moves of your life.
A simple way to cut through the guilt is to ask this:
If this person were not my friend or relative, would I still choose them?
That question is not cold. It is fair. It helps separate loyalty from competence, and affection from fit.
Start with the job, not the relationship
Before deciding who should represent you, get clear on what the job actually requires.
A good agent is not just someone who opens doors, enters a listing into the MLS, or writes a contract. A strong agent helps you understand the market, set a smart strategy, avoid unnecessary risk, and make clear decisions under pressure.
That work includes:
Pricing a home with evidence, not guesswork
Explaining local market conditions in plain language
Spotting red flags during showings or disclosures
Helping you compare offers beyond the headline price
Negotiating terms, repairs, timelines, and contingencies
Coordinating with lenders, inspectors, appraisers, title companies, and other agents
Keeping you calm when the process gets tense
If you were hiring a stranger, you would likely ask about experience, recent results, communication habits, and local knowledge. Those questions do not become rude just because the person is family.
In fact, they become more important.
A personal relationship can make people skip the normal vetting process. You might assume your cousin knows your neighborhood because they have a real estate license. You might assume your friend will prioritize you because you are close. You might assume trust will make up for gaps in experience.
Trust matters, but it is not a substitute for skill.
Ask yourself:
Has this person successfully handled transactions like mine?
Do they work in this area often enough to understand the market?
Can they explain their plan without relying on vague confidence?
Do they have the time and systems to support me?
Would I be comfortable asking them hard questions?
The goal is not to find a flawless person. The goal is to find someone who can do this specific job well.
Look for competence you can actually see
Competence in real estate shows up in practical ways. It is not just years in the business or how confident someone sounds at dinner.
A newer agent with strong mentorship, careful preparation, and excellent communication may serve you better than a longtime agent who is distracted or outdated. A high-volume agent may bring strong market knowledge, but may also hand off most of the work to a team. Neither is automatically good or bad. The details matter.
When evaluating any agent, including someone close to you, look for proof.
Ask how they would price the home or shape the offer
If you are selling, ask how they would arrive at a listing price. Listen for specifics.
A strong answer should include recent comparable sales, current competition, condition, location, buyer demand, and the tradeoff between pricing aggressively and pricing to attract activity.
If you are buying, ask how they would help you decide what to offer. A thoughtful agent will talk about comparable sales, days on market, seller motivation when known, competing offer risk, inspection terms, appraisal concerns, and your comfort level.
Weak answers sound like this:
“I know the area.”
“We can always start high.”
“You have to offer whatever it takes.”
“The market is crazy, so there is no way to know.”
Strong answers sound more like this:
“Here are the three most relevant sales, and here is where your home is stronger or weaker.”
“If we list at this price, we may get more showings, but we should be ready for these buyer objections.”
“This offer is competitive, but I would not waive this protection unless you understand the risk.”
Competence is specific. It gives you a reason behind the recommendation.
Ask what could go wrong
A good agent does not scare you, but they also do not pretend every deal is simple.
Ask:
What are the most common issues in a transaction like mine?
Where do buyers or sellers often lose money?
What would make you advise me to pause or walk away?
How do you handle inspection problems?
What happens if the appraisal comes in low?
The answer should be clear and calm. You want someone who can think ahead. Real estate often feels smooth until it suddenly does not. The right agent prepares for that before emotions run high.
Ask about their recent work
You do not need to interrogate them. You do need enough context to feel confident.
Useful questions include:
How many buyers or sellers have you represented in the past year?
How many were in this price range?
How many were in this area?
Do you usually work with buyers, sellers, or both?
Will you be my main contact, or will someone else handle parts of the process?
If the person is new, ask about training and support.
Who reviews your contracts?
Do you have a broker or mentor involved?
How do you handle situations you have not seen before?
A newer agent who is honest about support can be a good choice. A newer agent who acts like they have nothing to learn may be a concern.
Pay attention to communication before the stakes rise
Real estate communication is not just about being friendly. It is about timing, clarity, and judgment.
A good agent does not need to be available every second. They do need to set expectations and respond when it matters. A missed call is not a problem if they call back within the window they promised. A friendly text is not enough if they avoid hard conversations.
The way someone communicates before you hire them is often how they will communicate after you are committed.
Ask these questions early:
How quickly do you usually respond to calls, texts, and emails?
What times of day are best for urgent questions?
How will you update me after showings or offer activity?
Will you explain documents before I sign them?
If you are unavailable, who covers for you?
Do you prefer calls, texts, emails, or a mix?
Then watch what happens.
Do they answer directly? Do they follow up when they say they will? Do they explain without making you feel foolish? Do they listen, or do they rush to reassure you?
The right communication style depends on the client. Some people want every detail. Others want only key decisions and deadlines. A good agent can adapt within reason.
One useful test is to describe a concern and see how they respond.
For example:
“I am worried about overpaying because I do not want to get caught up in competition.”
A helpful agent might say, “That makes sense. Before we write any offer, I will show you the comparable sales, estimated monthly payment, and where I think the risk starts. We can decide your ceiling before emotions enter the picture.”
A less helpful agent might say, “Do not worry, I will take care of you.”
Reassurance feels good for a moment. Clarity helps you make better decisions.
Decide whether the relationship can handle business pressure
Hiring a friend or relative changes the emotional weight of the transaction. If everything goes smoothly, the connection may feel like a gift. If the process becomes stressful, personal history can make direct conversations harder.
That does not mean you should never hire someone close to you. It means you should be honest about the relationship.
Ask yourself:
Can I disagree with this person without feeling guilty?
Can they challenge me without sounding personal?
Would I feel comfortable asking them to explain their commission?
If I were unhappy, could I say so clearly?
If I chose another agent, would the relationship survive?
If the deal went badly, would I resent them?
Some relationships handle business well. Others do not.
There is a big difference between someone who says, “I would love the opportunity, but I want you to choose the best fit,” and someone who makes you feel obligated.
A professional response leaves room for your decision. Pressure is a warning sign, even when it comes wrapped in family loyalty.
Use this simple comparison to sort through the issue.
If you are choosing from obligation | If you are choosing from confidence |
You feel nervous asking basic questions | You feel comfortable discussing expectations |
You worry they will take rejection personally | They encourage you to make a smart choice |
You are relying mostly on the relationship | You can point to skill, experience, and fit |
You avoid talking about money or commission | Business terms feel clear and respectful |
You hope nothing goes wrong | You trust how they will handle problems |
The best arrangement has both trust and professionalism. If one is missing, slow down.
Interview them like you would interview anyone else
A formal interview may feel strange with someone you know, but it can protect the relationship. It sets the tone that this is a professional decision.
You can keep it warm and direct:
“I care about our relationship, so I want to treat this like a real hiring decision. I am going to ask the same questions I would ask any agent.”
That sentence removes some of the awkwardness. It also gives the other person a chance to show professionalism.
Here are strong questions to ask before signing an agreement.
What is your plan for my situation?
Listen for a real plan, not a generic promise.
For sellers, that plan may include pricing, preparation, photography, showing access, launch timing, open houses if appropriate, offer review, and negotiation strategy.
For buyers, it may include lender readiness, search criteria, neighborhood education, showing strategy, offer structure, inspection planning, and ways to stay competitive without ignoring risk.
What do you see that I might not see?
This question reveals whether the agent can add value beyond access to listings.
A skilled agent may point out layout issues, resale concerns, insurance questions, permit history, inspection risks, pricing patterns, or contract terms that affect your position.
How do you handle conflict?
Real estate involves conflict. Buyers and sellers disagree. Agents push back. Inspection reports create tension. Appraisals can disrupt plans.
Ask for an example of how they handled a difficult moment. They do not need to share private details. They should be able to explain their approach.
Look for calm problem-solving. Be cautious if they blame everyone else.
What will you tell me if I am wrong?
This is one of the most useful questions you can ask.
You do not need an agent who simply agrees with you. You need someone who can provide honest guidance while respecting that the final decision is yours.
A strong agent might say, “I will tell you what I see, explain the risk, and give you options. If you still want to proceed, I will support your decision within legal and ethical limits.”
That answer shows both backbone and respect.
What do you expect from me?
Good representation is not one-sided.
An agent may need you to get preapproved before touring, respond quickly to time-sensitive decisions, prepare your home before photos, keep showings flexible, or be realistic about market feedback.
Their expectations can tell you how organized they are.
Watch for red flags you might excuse because you care about them
Personal affection can make warning signs easier to dismiss. Try not to.
Be cautious if an agent:
Avoids specific questions
Pushes you to sign before explaining the agreement
Makes big promises without evidence
Speaks badly about every other agent
Treats your concerns as overreactions
Seems unfamiliar with your area or property type
Has no clear process
Responds slowly before you have even hired them
Makes the decision about loyalty instead of service
Also watch for the “discount trap.”
A friend or relative may offer to reduce their commission. That can be generous, and it may make sense. Still, a discount does not automatically make someone the best choice.
A weak strategy can cost far more than a fee reduction saves. A strong agent should be able to explain the value they bring, whether or not they adjust compensation.
This does not mean the most expensive agent is always best. It means price should be part of the decision, not the whole decision.
Give yourself permission to choose well
If you decide to hire your friend or relative, put the agreement on clear professional footing.
Discuss communication, expectations, decision-making, and what happens if either side feels the arrangement is not working. A clear start can prevent awkwardness later.
If you decide not to hire them, be kind and direct.
You might say:
“I care about our relationship, and I decided it is best to keep this transaction separate. I hope you understand.”
You do not need to overexplain or compare them to the agent you chose. A mature professional may feel disappointed, but they should respect the decision.
The real question is not whether friends or relatives can be great agents. They absolutely can.
The better question is whether this person is the right professional for this transaction.
The takeaway
Hiring someone close to you should still feel like a choice, not an obligation.
Before you sign, ask the same questions you would ask any agent. Look for competence you can see, communication you can trust, and a working relationship that can handle pressure.
If your friend or relative passes that test, you can move forward with confidence. If they do not, choosing someone else is not a rejection of the relationship. It is respect for the size of the decision.
I welcome those same questions. I first earned my South Dakota real estate license in 2006, and my background includes mortgage lending, business ownership, construction company ownership and leadership. That experience helps me look beyond the showing to the financing, the details of the property and the practical decisions that affect your next move.
Having owned businesses and helped people navigate important financial decisions, I understand the value of clear communication, thoughtful questions and follow-through. You deserve an agent who will explain your options, tell you what you need to hear and keep your goals at the center of the conversation.
If you are considering buying or selling, let’s talk. I would welcome the opportunity to earn your confidence and your business. Kendra Harris, REALTOR® 605-370-7932
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